The Role You've Been Playing That's Keeping You Stuck

The Role You've Been Playing That's Been Keeping You Stuck

Peggie Kirkland

[00:00:00] Over the last two weeks, we've been naming the guilt and exploring the identity underneath the roles. Today, I want to go somewhere more specific into the actual roles themselves, the ones you've been performing out of habit for so long that you have stopped questioning whether they still serve you. I chose this archive episode because it contains three examples of people that I think you're going to recognize yourself in immediately.

[00:00:39] Listen for the over-giver, the self-sacrificer, and the invisible one, and notice which one makes you pause. That is the one worth thinking about more deeply. And stay for the release ritual near the end. 

[00:01:00] It's one of my favorites

[00:01:04] : Welcome to the Momma's Motivational Messages Podcast, where women learn to stop putting themselves on the back burner and start paying attention to caring for themselves first so they can be better for everyone else in their lives. I know you'll be inspired by the stories of resiliency and starting over, of health and self-healing, of gaining clarity through journaling, of showing self-love through world travel, and the list goes on.

[00:01:40] I encourage you to relax and enjoy. I'm your host, Peggie Kirkland, PK

[00:01:51] This episode was from season three of the Mama's Motivational Messages podcast, and we were focusing 

[00:02:00] on empty nesters. I'm a mama, a grandma, and a great-grandma

[00:02:07] and I'm also an empty nester just like you. In today's episode, we're talking about something so many empty nesters feel, but they don't talk about it, and that is the guilt of letting go of who we've always been and the fear of becoming someone new. And that's why this episode is called The Role You've Been Playing That's Keeping You Stuck. So if you've been struggling with stepping out of your parenting role, or feeling stuck in the same patterns, or if you've been unsure about how to move forward without guilt, this one's for you. Let's start with your reality.

[00:02:57] You've spent decades showing up as 

[00:03:00] mom. You've been the keeper of schedules, the emotional anchor. You've held everything and everyone together. This was a role that didn't just fill your calendar; it really filled your identity. So what roles am I talking about?

[00:03:22] Here are a few common ones I've lived or heard about over the years. One is the over-giver, the person who always says yes, even when it's at the price of your own peace. Or there's the self-sacrificer, and this is someone who believes that their dreams come second, or that perhaps they shouldn't even be dreaming at all And then there's the invisible one, and this is someone who hides their [00:04:00] needs because they don't see themselves as the main character anymore.

[00:04:06] Everyone else around them is, but not them. When you define yourself according to these roles, instead of feeling free when that house gets quiet and the kids don't need you in the same way, what happens is that you feel lost and maybe even useless

[00:04:31] And to top it off, when you start dreaming of what you want to do, you start feeling guilty.

[00:04:40] But here's what I want you to know. Letting go of that parenting role doesn't mean that you're letting go of your love for your kids. I'm going to say that again. Letting go of that parenting role doesn't mean you're letting go [00:05:00] of your love for your kids. It just means that you're making space to love yourself again, and that should make you feel really good.

[00:05:13] You should feel really good about that inside and out. You shouldn't be feeling guilty because, you know, guilt is a tricky thing. What happens with that guilty feeling is that you start to feel like when you start prioritizing yourself, putting yourself first, you start feeling that that's something selfish that you shouldn't do.

[00:05:44] You start getting whisperings in your ear that say, "Shouldn't you still be doing something for the kids as opposed to doing something for you?" Because you're in that pattern.

 [00:06:00] It's a pattern that you've lived for decades, and it's not so easy to just let go of. I have found myself in that situation many times, and I had to get to the point where I could say to myself, "You're allowed to evolve.

[00:06:21] You're allowed to want more. You're allowed to rewrite your story." Yes, you can evolve. You don't have to be the same person that you've been showing up as for your children for all those decades, and you're certainly allowed to want more than what you have, than what you've been living with, than what you've experienced.

[00:06:50] You're allowed to expand your thinking, expand your horizons, just expand your life overall. And yes, you can rewrite your story. It does not have to be the same story. But let's go a little bit deeper and talk about these roles that we carry that no longer serve the person that we are becoming.

[00:07:19] Let's take, for example, the over-giver. This is the one who always says yes even when it makes them uncomfortable or leaves them agonizing for days or hours or weeks or whatever. I don't know if you recognize that person in yourself. For example, let's say your daughter Monica calls to ask if you can take her to the airport so she can leave for her dream vacation.

[00:07:56] Now think about it. You already have a to-do list that you've been looking forward to attacking for quite some time. Taking Monica to the airport will put you either in a position of starting late on the project you were planning to start or losing momentum by the time you fought the traffic to get there and back home.

[00:08:24] And you know how that is, especially when it's something that you've been planning to do, but it doesn't mean you really want to do it, but you feel like you need to. You can lose motivation and momentum really quickly around those types of projects. But in spite of all of these other thoughts that you're having, you hear the words escape from your lips, "Yes, I'll take you." 

[00:09:00] Now you're hooked into something that you didn't want to do. But that's because you've been practicing over giving all your life,

[00:09:10] And it's because you felt like it was what a loving and caring parent would do. The kids are gone now. This is just a kid calling up asking for a favor, and you can't even stop yourself. It's a habit that's so deeply ingrained in you. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I know that I've been there, and it's taken some practice for me to learn to honor my needs.

[00:09:47] I'll admit I'm not perfect, but I'm in a much better place than where I used to be when I was accommodating everyone else's needs but my own. The worst part about being an overgiver is how you feel once you've committed to something that you didn't want to do in the first place. Because honestly, you can start feeling some resentment towards not only the person you overcommitted to, but towards yourself for not having the courage to speak your truth. This is a role that no longer serves you. You need to let it go, not only with the kids, but with other folks as well who feel you have nothing to do now that the nest is empty. Let it go

[00:10:45] Did any part of that story about Monica and the airport feel familiar? If it did, if you heard yourself in it, I want you to know that recognizing the pattern is the first step to changing it. Here's the good news. You don't have to change it alone. The community I'm building is going to be a place where women can have exactly this kind of honest conversation together, and you'll have support, resources, and you'll be with other women who get it. More details are coming soon. Subscribe and join the insider list at mommasmotivationmessages.com.

[00:11:39] That's mommas with an O, M-O-M-M-A-S. And stay close so you don't miss a thing. Now let's take a look at the self-sacrificer. This is the one who believes that their dreams come second or not at all. You know, there was a time in your life when you needed to put your dreams on hold so that your children's dreams could advance, especially if you were a single parent with little support.

[00:12:16] Because we always want the best for our children, so it's almost second nature to make sacrifices for them, but that time is over now. . This is a role that you can let go of as you explore the things that make you smile and bring you joy. And honestly, you might have to dig deep into your passions to get to the ones that actually bring you joy, because you may have forgotten over the years what excited you and what made your eyes light up.

[00:12:57] I actually found myself in that situation as I shared with you in a previous episode. I had forgotten that I love to crochet. And guess what? My daughter listened to that episode. She's a millennial, and she had never seen me crocheting, so she didn't even know it was something I enjoyed and wanted to get back to. But luckily for me, she listened to that episode, and one of the things she bought me for Mother's Day was a crochet kit. Yay. I'm so excited. I'm planning to get started using it this weekend. But enough about me. Let's get back to those roles that we play. Let's talk about the invisible one, hiding your needs because you're not the main character anymore.

 You are the main character, period. And so I want you to ask yourself: what roles am I still performing out of habit, not desire? What titles am I clinging to that don't light me up anymore? Letting go isn't about abandoning who you were. It's about creating space for who you're ready to be.

[00:14:30] And you don't lose your love for your family when you release your role. You simply allow it to evolve

[00:14:41] Let's talk about how to let go. You know, it's always easy to say what you should do, but then how you should do it can be quite puzzling if it's something you haven't done before. So here are a few practices that you can try. Create a release ritual. What do I mean by that? I'd like you to write down the roles, expectations, or titles you're ready to let go of

[00:15:16] Now I want you to pause here for a second because I know some of you just wrote something down quickly and you're ready to move on. Here's why I want you to actually slow down on this one. A lot of you would treat an exercise like this as something to check off. You write the first word that comes to mind, mom, the strong one, the one who holds it together, and you move on. But the real answer is usually sitting right underneath that first word. Give it a second longer than actually feels comfortable to you.

[00:16:04] And here's the other reason we rush naming something you're letting go of, even when it's a good thing to let go of. And that's because it can stir up real grief. So rushing becomes a way to skip past that feeling instead of sitting with it. So take the time, sit with it. Let the real answer come up, even if it takes a minute longer than you expected.

[00:16:39] And after you've done that, burn the paper, bury it, or tear it up. You can make it a sacred experience if you want to. You can have a song to go with it, a dance to go with it, whatever. But just get rid of it, [00:17:00] because you're releasing these roles that are no longer serving you. I love this exercise so much.

[00:17:09] And if the idea of doing this kind of release work in community with other women who are on the same journey appeals to you, that is exactly what I'm creating: a space where this work does not have to happen alone. Subscribe to the podcast and watch this space. And if you want to be among the first to know what's happening, join the insider list at mommasmotivationmessages.com.

[00:17:44] That's mommas with an O. M-O-M-M-A-S. And stay close so you don't miss a thing

[00:17:54] Let's get back to our release ritual. When you're done with [00:18:00] that, you're going to reintroduce yourself to yourself. Ask yourself, "Who am I when no one needs me? What do I want to explore, to learn, or to feel?" And as simple as these questions are, they're really going to require you to go deep and to be honest with yourself. And you can be not just honest, but you can be as outlandish as you want to be as you reintroduce yourself to yourself.

[00:18:41] Perhaps you want to go skydiving. Perhaps you want to learn pole dancing. Perhaps you want to learn to ski or to do some mountain climbing or to kayak. Maybe you want to learn plumbing or to have a tool belt and learn how to be a carpenter. There are so many possibilities out there. Whatever it is, ask yourself, "What do I want to explore, to learn, or to feel?"

[00:19:17] And don't allow any guilt to get in the middle of these thoughts. In fact, you're going to replace guilt with permission, and every time guilt creeps in, I want you to pause and say, "I have permission to take up space," because you do. "I have permission to enjoy this chapter." Yes, indeed, you do. "I have permission to be more than a mother."

[00:19:54] Absolutely. All you have to do is start with one bold yes, because some of this might take a little bit of courage. You can say yes to rest without explanation. You can say yes to painting without explanation or guilt. You can say yes to taking a solo trip. Yes to your voice being heard again. You may have felt silenced over the years because there was so much chatter around you. It's time to let your voice be heard again.

[00:20:39] And guess what? You don't have to make a huge leap. You can start small, but you have to commit to beginning

[00:20:50] Letting go is an act of courage. It's not about forgetting who you've been. It's really about honoring yourself and choosing to become the version of you you never had the time to meet. You're not selfish for turning the spotlight on yourself. In fact, I would say you're being quite wise and brave, and this is only the beginning.

[00:21:22] Don't delay. As soon as you're done listening to this episode, get started. In our next episode, I want to talk about something that does not get discussed enough: legacy. What will yours be? And I don't mean legacy like something carved in stone or the kind that ends up in a biography.

[00:21:50] I mean it in the everyday sense of how you choose to show up for yourself from this point forward. It's a short episode, but it is one that I think will stay with you. Subscribe and stay close, and join the insider list at mommasmotivationmessages.com. That's mommas with an O. M-O-M-M-A-S. So you don't miss a thing.

[00:22:29]  Thank you for joining me today on Mama's Motivational Messages. If today's episode inspired and encouraged you, go ahead and hit the subscribe button. And if you know another woman who could use a little inspiration in her next chapter, please share this podcast with her. I'd also love to hear from you.

[00:22:52] Drop a comment below and let me know what spoke to you most today. Until next time, I'm PK, sending you much light and a whole lot of love