Why Does Spending Money on Myself Feel So Wrong? Financial Wellness in Midlife

Why Does Spending Money on Myself Feel so Wrong? Financial Wellness in Midlife 

[00:00:00] Peggie Kirkland 

And here we are, my beautiful midlifers and empty nesters, our seventh and final episode of this series. We started in Women's History Month, and we kept going because these conversations are timeless. We have talked about your mind, your body, your friendships, your emotions, your work, your soul.

[00:00:28] Today we close with something that touches all of those topics simultaneously. We're talking about your financial wellness, and I want to start by asking you a very important question: When was the last time you spent money on yourself and felt completely fine about it?

[00:00:54] I'm not talking about spending money on your household or on your [00:01:00] children or on something that was technically for you, but really for everyone else. I'm asking when was the last time you spent money on something that was purely, genuinely for you? I'm going to pause to give you a moment to answer that honestly. For many of you, that answer is harder to find than it should be. Because for many women who have spent decades as the financial managers of their households, there's a complicated, often contradictory relationship with money, and nobody really talks about it openly.

[00:01:55] Nobody talks about the tightening in the chest or the [00:02:00] low-level anxiety that hums underneath everything when the time comes to spend money on yourself. Spending on others may come naturally to you, but spending on yourself triggers something that feels almost physical. You find yourself second-guessing the purchase, justifying it to yourself even when nobody else has asked for justification.

[00:02:32] You have a nagging question in your head that asks, "Do you really need that? Do you even deserve that? Are your family or friends going to think you're being self-indulgent or irresponsible even?" And you feel your chest tighten further because of the weight of guilt you're carrying. What happens [00:03:00] next is that you find yourself putting the item back on the shelf, telling yourself, "I'll treat myself later when things are more settled, when there's breathing room, when everyone else's needs have been taken care of." That voice you hear in your head is not about money.

[00:03:25] It's the voice of the emotional and psychological relationship you have with money. That voice is an indication that you may be financially unwell. This is a real weight that some midlife women carry regardless of your actual financial situation, which is why you may find yourself second-guessing your decision to make that purchase for yourself

[00:03:57] I myself experienced this a few [00:04:00] years ago when I decided to purchase a smartwatch that would allow me to monitor my steps, my sleep patterns, noise levels, receive calls, and the like. It only cost a few hundred dollars, not thousands, and it wasn't that I couldn't afford it, but I kept pacing back and forth in the store, picking it up, putting it back, getting more details about how it worked.

[00:04:30] Finally, I made the decision to purchase it. But wait, the story doesn't end there. Even though I bought the watch, I was so overcome by guilt when I got home that I returned it within a few days

[00:04:51] It was that I had become so used to limiting how much I spent on myself, fearing that I may be [00:05:00] using funds that some family member might need.

[00:05:05] Can any of you relate? I'll give you more on the real ending of this story later.

[00:05:14] For many women, particularly those who grew up in households where money was scarce or where it was a source of conflict or where you were taught explicitly or implicitly that you must always save for a rainy day, which I'm not saying you shouldn't do, but along with those lessons is the implicit message that spending on yourself carries shame with it.

[00:05:45] This ongoing self-sacrificing behavior sends the message to your brain that you don't deserve to treat yourself to some of the same beautiful things you treat others to, and [00:06:00] especially when you know that doing so wouldn't cause any negative consequences to your family

[00:06:09] Internalizing those experiences can lead to what is known as financial depletion. When I use the term financial depletion, I'm not talking about being broke. I'm not talking about debt or a low bank balance or making less than you need. You can have a perfectly healthy bank account and still be financially depleted.

[00:06:40] The way you relate to money, the guilt, the avoidance, the anxiety that hums underneath everything, the inability to spend a single dollar on yourself without immediately questioning whether you deserved it, that relationship is depleted.[00:07:00] 

[00:07:00] No amount of budgeting or financial planning can fix it because it's not about your bank account. You may think that you need to be better at reconciling your accounts and being better at the math of it all. And I'm not suggesting that this shouldn't be a part of your strategy.

[00:07:24] But my friends, what I am talking about is not a math problem, or you'd be able to use a spreadsheet, a budget app, or a financial advisor to solve it. But the problem is not the numbers. It's a way of thinking that you developed through the way you were raised or through decades of putting everyone else first.

[00:07:52] So over time, you absorb the deeply held belief that you're not quite [00:08:00] worth spending money on, that your needs come last, that wanting financial security for yourself is somehow selfish when there are other people whose needs feel more urgent and more legitimate than your own Believe it or not, this belief is tied to your self-worth, and it reflects how you value yourself.

[00:08:32] And that, my friends, is the conversation we're having today. Because the only thing that actually solves a self-worth problem is doing the work of believing, really believing you deserve the same care, the same attention, the same generosity, and the same devotion that you have spent a [00:09:00] lifetime giving to everyone else.

[00:09:03] And you deserve a life that feels as full on the inside as it looks on the outside. Not someday, not when everything else is taken care of, but now, as you are. I want you to know you are worth it

[00:09:29] Are you with me so far? I'm going to share a metaphor with you that I think will change the way you see your financial life. Think of your finances as a house. Every house needs a foundation, basic financial stability, income that covers your essentials. No chronic debt spiral [00:10:00] pulling you under. A small emergency fund that means one unexpected bill does not unravel everything

[00:10:10] Then there are the walls. Your medium-term goals. Paying down debt, building savings, starting or growing your retirement contributions. And the roof of your house, that would be your long-term financial security: investments, estate planning, a future that genuinely belongs to you. You've spent years building everyone else's house beautifully and with dedication.

[00:10:51] Every room furnished, every detail considered. Your children's needs, your [00:11:00] partner's comfort, your parents' security, advancing your employer's goals. You've shown up for every single one of those foundations with everything you had but your own house, your own financial foundation. It has been sitting there unfinished, not because you don't care about your own metaphorical home, but because every time you had a resource, whether that was time, energy, or actual dollars, you redirected it towards someone else's foundation

[00:11:47] And now you're standing in a house that belongs to everyone but you, wondering why you feel so financially unsettled and [00:12:00] wondering why spending on yourself triggers that tightening in the chest even when you have technically earned the right to do so. Let me break this down further for you. That unfinished house looks like paying for your children's unlimited data plans on the latest versions of their phones, making sure they have what they need to stay connected, stay comfortable, stay supported, while you're carrying a phone that's several versions removed from the latest model.

[00:12:43] Or it looks like having a closet full of gifts during the holidays, chosen thoughtfully to suit every person's personality, some costing more than you should have spent, but you did it anyway because you [00:13:00] wanted them to feel seen. Meanwhile, your own needs sit on a shelf in some store with a price tag you keep talking yourself out of

[00:13:16] This is the predictable result of a lifetime of putting yourself last in many areas of your life, financially included. For many women, especially women who grew up in households where self-sacrifice was modeled and considered the highest form of love. This behavior is not a choice. It's a deeply ingrained pattern

[00:13:56] But what I want you to know today is that [00:14:00] that pattern can be changed. You can't keep building everyone else's house while yours sits unfinished because an unfinished house cannot shelter anyone, not them and not you. So today, I want to help you figure out where you are in your financial wellness. But to do that, you first have to understand that financial wellness is a form of self-respect.

[00:14:40] How you manage money is a form of self-respect. Not because your net worth determines your worth as a person; it absolutely does not. But because the way we treat our financial [00:15:00] lives is often a mirror of what we believe we deserve. A woman who consistently puts everyone else's financial needs ahead of her own, who cannot spend money on herself without guilt, who does not save for her own future because the present needs of others always feel more urgent.

[00:15:29] That woman is telling herself something about her own value, and it's not good

[00:15:37] Financial wellness at its deepest level is about believing and demonstrating your belief that you deserve a secure, abundant, free life. That belief connects to every single thing we have talked about across this [00:16:00] series. And building your wealth, even incrementally and from whatever starting point you're at right now, is not selfishness.

[00:16:12] It is one of the most profound acts of self-ownership that's available to you

[00:16:19] Having said all that, I have an invitation for you this week, and it has two parts, a practical part and a personal part 

[00:16:31] I'm giving you the practical part, not as a financial advisor, because I'm not a financial advisor. What I'm sharing are five doable suggestions that I've found to move the needle on financial wellness in midlife

[00:16:52] One, know your numbers. This week, I want you to [00:17:00] calculate your net worth. Total assets minus total liabilities. What you own minus what you owe. This number, whatever it is, is your starting point. It's simply information, the information you need to move forward. Two, build awareness before you build a budget. Track every dollar you spend for two weeks, not to restrict yourself, not to feel guilty about the takeout coffee or the book you didn't need, but to understand your patterns.

[00:17:45] Spending patterns reveal values and emotional patterns, and what you find will teach you more about your relationship with money than any budgeting app ever could

[00:17:59] [00:18:00] Three, protect your future self. If your employer offers any matching contribution to a retirement account and you're not taking the full match, you're leaving free money on the table. Start there.

[00:18:20] If you're self-employed or your employer does not offer matching, open an IRA or its equivalent and make even a small regular contribution. Your future self is counting on your present choices. Four, address debt strategically

[00:18:45] There are two approaches to handling that. You can tackle the highest interest rate first, and that saves the most money mathematically. Or you could [00:19:00] tackle the smallest balance first and build your psychological momentum. Both strategies work. The one that works for you is the one you actually stick to, so choose that one. Five, educate yourself continuously.

[00:19:24] You don't need to become a financial expert. You need to become someone who's serious about working toward financial wellness

[00:19:34] Trying these strategies will give you the confidence you need to be able to trust yourself when you want to purchase something for yourself

[00:19:50] For the personal part, I want you to spend money on something that is entirely and [00:20:00] unquestioningly for you. Not on a household necessity dressed up as a treat. Not something that will benefit everyone around you. Something that is purely for the woman you are right now. And when you do it, when the voice of guilt arrives, as it probably will, I want you to say this to yourself out loud, if you can

[00:20:37] My financial life reflects my worth. I choose myself intentionally, consistently, and without apology because a life that feels as full on the inside as it looks on the outside begins with me 

[00:21:00] My financial life reflects my worth. I choose myself intentionally, consistently, and without apology because a life that feels as full on the inside as it looks on the outside begins with me.

[00:21:21] My financial life reflects my worth. I choose myself intentionally, consistently, and without apology because a life that feels as full on the inside as it looks on the outside begins with me

[00:21:42]. Before we close this episode and this seven-part series, I want to say something to you that I mean from the bottom of my heart: You are worthy of abundance in every form [00:22:00]. Not just financial abundance, though that matters and you deserve it, but the abundance of good health, the abundance of genuine friendship that is reciprocal and nourishing and real.

[00:22:21] The abundance of emotional honesty, the freedom to feel what you feel without apologizing for it. The abundance of work that means something. The abundance of a spiritual life that is pointed toward what you actually value, and the abundance of a financial life that reflects your actual worth

[00:22:50] That is what these seven episodes celebrating women have been about. My hope is that [00:23:00] through these episodes, you will continue to learn not to put yourself on the back burner, but to be your own first priority. The world needs you well. Your family needs you well. And you deserve to be well in every dimension, in every season, right now

[00:23:29] I told you earlier that I would tell you the real ending of that story about the smartwatch. Well, here it is. After two months of acknowledging my self-worth- yes, it took some time going back and forth in my head about whether I deserved it or not- I went back and purchased an even better version of the smartwatch.[00:24:00] 

[00:24:00] Yay for me, and yay for all of you ladies who've had a similar experience. All right, my beautiful midlifers and empty nesters. That's it for today. Thank you for going on this journey with me. Thank you for showing up for yourself episode after episode of this seven-part series. For pressing play in the quiet moments.

[00:24:34] For sitting with the questions that did not have easy answers. For giving yourself permission to want more. More health, more connection, more meaning, more abundance in this season of your life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you[00:25:00] 

[00:25:00] Please share this series with every woman in your life who needs to hear it. I'm also asking you to rate and review the podcast wherever you listen. It makes it possible for more women to benefit from the show.

[00:25:20] You can find the transcript for this and all of our podcasts, as well as the show notes, at our website, mamasmotivationalmessages.com